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Darling Nikki

PLANES, TRAINS & THE BIG APPLE

Written by Darling Nikki | 30 April 2009

Okay, its official. Some people should NOT drink. If we go with the theory that it's the TRUTH that comes spilling out of people whilst  intoxicated, God help us all, & might I add; sometimes it's best NOT to know how someone really thinks/feels/is.

A case in point & yes, I think I finally "get it" - aside from the few proven, good male friends I have, I now completely agree with what MANY a man has told me; "Men CANNOT be 'just friends' with women". Especially if said man, finds said woman 'friend' attractive. There's always a few exceptions, but these words are true.

A recent weekend trip to New York proved to be quite the adventure. Before I even boarded the plane, I had the pleasure (?)of meeting a couple of people at the bar/restaurant in the Airport. My flight was delayed. As luck would have it, the man who was drinking the doubles of whiskey was on the same flight as me, & "Bingo" wasn't his seat right beside mine? He was somewhat composed considering, & I had to laugh as he volunteered to me that the wedding band on his finger was really just an "Irish Ring" & that he wasn't in fact married. "Like I care" I said. "What does it matter to me?"

Turns out he's married with 3 kids. Again, a mute point. He was a total stranger that I would never again have cause to see after the 1 hour, domestic flight. Once seated, he asked if I cared to rest my head on his shoulder. (?!?) No thanks. Then he pinches my stomach and tells me, "you should work on that". I said "look Mr. Universe (not), stop mauling me - you're being an ass."

That made a big impression - he then asked me if I cared to join the "mile high club" with him!

Mile High Club
The emergency exit I was seated right beside was starting to look good.

 Mr. Observant then says, "wow, you've got great arms, those are some nice guns you've got there". This is juuust the talk to be having on a PLANE! He continues (in mock fashion, but he's not the most quiet dude) to motion to the stewardess to tell her I have 'GUNS'. He did this (pretended he was going to say that) about three times. I told him to shut up and picture the trouble he'd be in when we landed & for the short flight we were on (he takes it regularly), I said (holding up a pretend "frame"), "Picture this - YOU in the dead of winter riding your BIKE to NYC because that's what you'll be doing, & that's AFTER they detain you for hours once we land". He finally gave up his silly antics but imagine if that had been a longer flight. The emergency exit I was seated right beside was starting to look good. I felt like I was on a  Seinfeld episode. Just think, me & Elmer the (buzzed) Safety Elephant had been assigned the task of opening the exit, in the event of an emergency.


The fun didn't stop there. The friend I was there to visit is someone I've known for FOUR years. I've had a few drinks with him on occasion but never in excess. He is JUST a friend, & never has there been any involvement/discussion other than friendship, between us. Well, on the Saturday night I was there, he decided to have a few more than usual at a bar we went to that was small, but crowded, & featured a cover band. This (extra 'few' drinks) resulted in him acting wounded, jealous, & possessive when someone offered to buy me a drink, which I politely declined because I could feel the "hawkeyes" on me even before the drink offer. Before I knew it, my friend turned love struck teenager was GONE in 60 seconds - & I was left in the Big Apple, & I'm not familiar with the City. Shortly thereafter I received a mini-flurry of nonsense text messages telling me how disrespectful I was/am, etc. WHATEVER. No big deal, I'm pretty resourceful, & I don't scare that easily when on my own. What to do, what to do? Naturally, I had a great time with buddy that offered me the drink & the group he was with. We hopped a cab back to my hotel, grabbed my things (my friend had booked the hotel for me, and I did NOT want to be there another night, & chance having it out with him if he came there) & stayed with them. PLUS I got a ride to the Airport the following day. Who says you can't do New York on a shoe-string? My new friend (same guy who offered to buy me the drink) is in the medical profession in NY and I'm happy to report, he was a perfect gentleman. Chivalry is NOT dead. Taking the train at 5 a.m. in the morning (to where he had parked his car) is interesting, I will say that. New York really doesn't sleep. Me, him and his friends (men and women) had a great time and although I didn't have the best night's sleep (only a few hours), it was fun & I felt fine because I hadn't drank too much.

My friend has since apologized profusely,
(via email, I haven't spoken to him), admits he was "completely out of line" and is "deeply ashamed" etc. Still, this changes things. This (for me) was right out of left field. I now get "IT". Most Men Cannot Be 'Just Friends' With Women. I get it, I get it. Having said that, it is also CLEAR that some people should refrain from drinking alcohol if they can't control their impulses & emotions. It's certainly a good way to (potentially) end a friendship. I continue to live and learn. Cheers!

Darling Nikki



The Orgasm Gun

Written by Administrator | 26 April 2009

Had to share this with you all, I hope you find it as humourous as I did...




UNCHECKED BAGGAGE

Written by Darling Nikki | 23 April 2009

Okay, I've seen it a few times now on my "journey" through being single. Affirmative, I am still on course and some of the best/simple words of wisdom I've heard are these two; "Stay Single."

Jaded? Not really, but maybe I still need to face up to that. I find humor in most things. Then again, it took me years to admit that I can be a little bitchy during that sacred 'time of the month' that we women are blessed with. I think men have a period too. They just don't bleed. I'm more like a sniper when it comes to my emotions and who they are directed at. There are only a few people in my life that have aroused my anger, hostility, loss of faith. I don't direct it aimlessly and paint everyone with the same brush. 

We all have built-in defense mechanisms, this is natural and a fact. "Radar", gut instincts, reservations. However, some people have taken this to a whole new level. They "blend in" for the most part but in truth, they have fallen into an ABYSS. It's like they are lost in the Bermuda Triangle.

As for me, for someone who gets told they are attractive, fun and nice, this superfox spent the weekend with no child, sleeping alone. No "visitors." Just how hot AM I? Okay, there was one "almost" that I would've been up for, but it didn't transpire. It's been re-scheduled..


Back to the ABYSS I'm talking about: The "new guy" that I met awhile ago is not a player or even close (in general disposition) to most of the men I know. Anyway, turns out 'Mr. Super Laid Back' is fabulous in bed too, and I don't hand out compliments like candy. I almost wish he wasn't, because it would be easier to kick his ass out of my life. This guy knows how to fire up the Barbie, and he's nice too. Here's the problem. The man runs hot and cold. Well, after a good honest talk we got to the root of some of this temperature change BS. One day it's the Tropics on a boat and the next it's the Arctic with no coat. We have been in touch regularly, (his initiative more than mine) but there were a couple of things he did/didn't do that hit MY "radar." His interest has never come across as "casual" so it was with that in mind that I asked him what was up. Wanting to make a point, but keep it light, I jokingly said that unless he was 'trying to get rid of me, that he shouldn't do such a good job of ignoring me.' I made my point. He stepped it up a little, but I could tell that something was still amiss. Hence, the "talk."

Conclusion; He's a "walking wounded," cautious, guarded, soul. He's been f#cked over in a couple of previous relationships (financially and otherwise) and doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground when he develops feelings for someone. I knew that he'd been through some hard times (who hasn't?) but I didn't know how it had affected him. I asked him, "why put pressure on yourselfPenis Enlargement of having to 'define' something?" Just relax and roll with it, no need to jump into anything is what I was getting at, (and I meant that as in; with or without me.) He very recently invited me to a work event/evening that I agreed to attend. Having this talk was a must. I'm the last person to put pressure on anyone but if someone's going to pull the split-personality thing on me, I need to get a few things straight if I'm to continue, even as friends. So it was something coming from within himself, and he agreed. He was glad that we talked because he'd been feeling this way for a couple of YEARS and hadn't shared it with anyone. It's obvious that this "hot/cold thing" is not intentional. His ability to 'trust' has taken a few 'hits' and not what it once was. Yet this same person (and I know others with similar anxieties, remember I have more male friends than female) "wants" to (ultimately) be "with" someone. He is in that gridlock; he "wants" the very same thing he "doesn't want", and it's all rolled into one fantastic, f#cked up ball. Advance and retreat.  We look for faults and reasons to not like a person because we find it easier to default back to our status quo. Being alone. There's no let downs that way, or fewer anyway. He wants and doesn't want what he fears. I'm very compassionate with people who are honest and I'm easy to talk to. But WHO the hell was talking about a long-term relationship anyway??? Not ME.  I just met him less than 2 months ago. He's sweet, he truly is. For now, he's back to being "nicey- nice." Hmmmmm.

Yes, this is the house that Jack built. Or should I say, "these are the WALLS that Jack built with Titanium?" I don't want to fall into anyone's Abyss.

Trust needs to be built, like anything worthwhile. It is THE most important thing in any healthy relationship, whether with friends or lovers. Without it, a relationship (of any kind) is meaningless.

Darling Nikki

THE X FILES

Written by Darling Nikki | 19 April 2009

I think my eyes are "going". Maybe thaaaat's why I think some of the guys I know are such lookers. Just kidding. They ARE. I haven't gone blind - yet! But my eyes are starting to deceive me with small print. I've set my alarm on my phone twice now for PM instead of AM. That's helpful. Nice timing too; I've started to read more lately, and some books have the smallest print! 

Got in touch recently with a few people from High School. One of them is the sister of a boyfriend I had. That's when all in the world was still seemingly innocent, me included. Biggest concern? What to wear, friends and boys.

Apparently, my ex (her younger brother) was big on "big breasts". I had no idea. I was rather surprised, seeing as I'm not known for my 'rack' as men so often call that part of a woman. But then again, our relationship of 2 years did not get "sexual". It almost did, but we never crossed that line. I saw him a few years later, (I saw a lot of people a few years later) and he wasn't my 'type' anymore. Turns out he went from one large breasted girl/woman to another only to finally marry a Double D Shrew that no one could stand (and still can't) and she had a breast reduction shortly after they wed. Talk about "bait and switch". It sounds like there's very little contact with the brothers and sisters and my ex. It's a shame when families get estranged from one another, especially when it's largely due to the fact that one of them married a control freak. It happens too often. Ahh well. Great family too, his mom remembers me fondly and I always did like her as well. It's interesting to hear where peoples' lives have taken them, years afterwards. Too bad, it's not always good news with some.

Another ex's brother lives out on the West Coast, happily married and doing well. He looked me up 10 years ago and we've always kept in touch periodically but I haven't actually seen him in more years than I care to say. Neither he, his brother or sister have a close relationship with their mother. His sister ended up with four kids, fathered by four different men (all "winners") and is on social assistance for life. Wow, how can you f*ck up four times? My ex? Happily married with children I'm told. Good for him. Was he ever good looking. We got along really well too. Couldn't trust him with a ten foot pole when it came to women though. He was just that irresistable. Did I learn my lesson? Of course not. We were young though. That rollercoaster ride lasted from age 17 to 21. I was always drawn to the ones everybody wanted. And I usually got them. Problem is, when they're so desirable, you end up sharing them, one way or another. He cheated on me, so I ended up taking his cue and did the same eventually. A charming duo, we were. For at least a year neither of us had the sense or maturity to let things go. I finally did. Cold turkey. He tried to get in touch with me a year after that. Came by my house, left me a letter. It was sincere. I didn't respond. Not because I was mad at him. I wasn't. I just knew if we saw each other even once, we'd get back together, for awhile anyway. We genuinely cared for each other, even after all the bullshit. Besides, I was out 4 or 5 nights a week socializing by then. Single - for a little while.  

Feuding families are worse than estranged ones though. At least there's peace and quiet when you don't talk. Maybe not peace, but definitely quiet. I'm glad I've never been a part of a huge family or extended family unit. All the politics that I've heard some people go through. Especially over the Holidays or Thanksgiving. The Hatfield's and the McCoy's, remember them? Everyone's favorite cartoon family: The Flintstones.

Christmas, Birthdays, Baptisms, whatever. Drunk uncles, crazy brother/sister/mother in laws etc. I guess I'd be used to it if I had to deal with it but I've been pretty lucky that way with the exception of meeting the few family members of "IT" (a.k.a. the biggest mistake of my life). Just one comment; FREAKS BELONG IN THE CIRCUS. Talk about red flags a wavin'. Good old hindsight: it's 20/20. My own family is not without its idiosyncrasies but no need to go into that. We've all got a story. Growing up, my boyfriends' parents always liked me. It wasn't until I met "the freak" that there were any issues with "family". HIS. No coincidence there. If it looks, talks and acts like a duck, it's a DUCK. Is it umm duck hunting season yet?? 

I know, I know. It's an evil thought - not very nice but seriously, some people have a really f*cked up gene pool. I'm much wiser now.. Or so I keep telling myself.

Why can't everyone just get along? I'm kidding. It's a nice thought but that's not the way reality is. Thankfully, some families are close and maintain good, healthy relationships with one another. There's nothing like the support of family and friends, through the good times and the bad. That's why I always say, when you love someone, make sure you tell them once in awhile. Moms love to hear it. I suspect boys/men (c'mon what's the difference?) don't say it to their dads enough, or at all. Just spit it out :) if you haven't in awhile. The bear hugs and back slappings are telling, but the words need to be said and heard sometimes too. We're not always going to have the chance. Carpe Diem; That's Latin for "Seize The Day".

Darling Nikki

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

Written by Darling Nikki | 31 March 2009

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.

Jealousy scans for evidence (real or imagined) to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - Self Value. If you can't love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake, or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put your energy into building your personal and emotional security".

Jealousy and Love. The immature mind can often mistake one for the other. Combined together they create unimagineable turmoil.

Jealousy should not be confused as a sign of love. Severe jealousy is the opposite of love. An early 20th century writer commented: "Its one desire is to punish, and to punish severely".

Jealousy: I'm talking about over the top, excessive off the wall jealousy. It is not recognized as a disorder, but it sure can be psychotic. These feelings cause a person to feel very threatened, and they will react by tenaciously trying to hold on to their partner or "position" depending on the situation.

Safe to say, we have all experienced mild jealousy. It's a human emotion. But it's one that can take on many insidious forms if not kept in check. It damages, hurts and wrecks so many things. Some people thrive on creating drama and put concerted efforts into "making" (for example)their partners jealous.

But you can't "make" someone jealous unless they are prone to "be" jealous in the first place. Jealousy amounts to insecurity and stems from FEAR.

We've all experienced wishful thinking, but that's like admiration. I wish I was driving a Bentley and when I see one, I do admire it and think "I'd like to be driving that". But the thought ends there. And I'm pretty sure I will never be driving one.
Jealousy
Jealousy is fuelled by a far more deep, dark corner of a person's makeup. It breeds (and often multiplies) from a person's psyche. Their feelings of inadequacy, self doubt... Some people use jealousy as a yardstick to gage their partner's interest. "Hmmm, let's see how pissed off I can get him if I 'make' him jealous." There's that word again. "And if he gets real jealous, he must love me so much." How stupid does that sound? It sounds stupid, because it IS. What that hypothetical scenario really translates into is; someone f*cking with someone else's head, in the hopes of getting a desired "reaction". I don't think you can "make" someone jealous. They either are, or they're not. And if someone's (ie:) cheating on you for real (as opposed to "imagined"), lying etc - do something about it. Stay or go. But if you stay, know that what you see is what you get. Deal with it one way or the other. I said it before: You can't put a leash on a person. Without trust you have nothing. Back to my topic of crazy, baseless jealousy: Some people are SO insecure, they don't need ANY (real)provocation to arouse the green eyed monster within.

These talented people can make shit up, hurl accusations and dream up conspiracy theories right out of thin air. I'd hate to live that way. Paranoid, insecure and imagining all kinds. It sounds like a living hell. When I realized just how insecure my ex was, at first I felt shocked, and even pity (briefly). Then I started to look back and a whole lot of things finally made sense. The ridiculous questions, the gaslighting, the games. And we were certainly, for the most part living in Hell. I looked at him a few times and said "Does your head hurt?? Being that f*cked up MUST HURT your head". Just think of the energy it  takes.

I'm not overly jealous. I used to think I wasn't at all, but I've felt "it" a few times. Just mildly and (thankfully), fleetingly. It sucks. I've mostly been on the receiving end of someone else's.  
The rational person realizes that jealousy in friendships, relationships (workplace or otherwise) is very draining and a waste of time. People think and do some crazy things due to their jealous nature. Whether its making an ass out of one's self, driving themselves and/or someone else nuts, violence or even murder. We've all seen the line; "in a jealous rage". Excessive self-doubt. What a bitch of an inner-demon. I have seen what happens to a person when they don't believe in themselves. It colors every aspect of their life and the choices they make. Typically, the more they sabotage their own self worth, the more they project it onto others. Pair this type of individual up with a "button pusher" and it's a recipe for disaster. Or worse, some hapless victim who doesn't "see" right away that a person is jealous and accusatory, and gets sucked up into the BS-Vacuum before they know what hit them, or umm "sucked" them. One word of advice: RUN.  

I've had jealousy up to my eyeballs. "Friends" who were jealous, guys who were jealous, even boyfriends of friends who didn't want their girlfriends "hanging out" with me!? And a few times, a girlfriend's (female) friend was jealous. It mattered not, that I had done absolutely nothing wrong. My own sister has even been jealous of the close relationship I have with her teenaged daughter! School's out. These people need to grow up and get a life. Sadly, some will never see the light. 

Hey, in moderation, even some "experts" believe that it can add a spark to things between couples. Maybe. Usually it's more like an inferno. I still can't shake the feeling that it's all just too juvenile. Whatever floats your boat. Or more likely sinks your battleship. It's nice knowing that you're valued in ANY relationship. There's so many positive ways to communicate that and jealousy isn't one of them.

 Darling Nikki

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